Animal Pragmatism

Animal Pragmatism is the 35th episode of Charmed.



Summary
On Valentine’s Day, Phoebe, without knowing, helps the girls in her college study group with a love spell to turn three animals into men for a romantic evening. Unfortunately, the men retain dangerous animalistic qualities and begin attacking innocent students. While Janice Robinson performs at the club, Phoebe accidentally creates a real zoo when her attempt to reverse the spell turns all humans in the club into animals. Meanwhile Prue tries to adjust to her new unemployed lifestyle, and Piper’s Valentine’s Day dinner with Dan is complicated by the constant presence of her former guardian angel turned mortal, Leo, who is now working at the club.

Plot
A professor lectures in a biology class on mating rituals. Behind Phoebe, three girls--Andrea, Tessa and Brooke--are reading a book titled Bewitched. It's a book of supposed love spells. Phoebe "corrects" one of the spells, and claims to be doing a paper on the growing popularity of witchcraft. She hands them a flyer for a Valentine's Day party at P3. Phoebe asks a boy, Ethan, to come with her to P3.

The three girls have brought together a snake, a rabbit and a pig within a circled pentagram in their dorm room, and say the spell from the book. Nothing happens, but Andrea has recorded Phoebe's voice. She plays back Phoebe's version of the spell, and the three animals turn into hunky naked men.

Prue is adjusting to her new unemployment, she vows to do absolutely nothing. Dan wants to have dinner with Piper on Valentine's Day, which would conflict with her party at P3.

The Pig has eaten everything in the refrigerator and is still hungry. The Rabbit has just had sex with Andrea. The Snake tells his pals that they shouldn't act like animals anymore. The three animal-men step out into the hall, to funny looks from everyone else. They steal a laundry basket from a passing student and dress themselves.

At P3, Leo offers Piper a small pile of flowers; he has no money or ID, but wanted to offer Piper what he can. He is working (and sleeping) at P3, and Piper is paying him under the table in cash. Dan appears with a huge bouquet. Dan is slightly jealous, as Piper had called Leo's name and not his when she was healed ("Awakened"), and she seems "different" when Leo is around.

Prue, bored, tries to telekinetically move a flowerpot on a mantle, but can't get it centered right. Phoebe calls; Brooke, Andrea and Tessa didn't show up for section and she's wondering if they called. While they're talking, the Pig trashes a hot dog stand. Phoebe spots the Rabbit getting aggressive with a woman and abruptly hangs up. Phoebe collars the Rabbit and gets a premonition of him biting the woman's neck. Phoebe cuts the Rabbit's legs out from under him. He gets up and runs away, and Phoebe chases him. To her surprise, the Rabbit leaps over a high wall and goes into the trees.

Prue is done doing "nothing," and heads to P3. Piper is wrapping a present for Dan--an architecture book. Prue thinks Piper ought to buy something for Leo as well. Phoebe arrives and mentions her premonition. Piper isn't happy; she didn't want a magical emergency on Valentine's Day.

Tessa is getting cold feet about the spell. Reentering their room, they find the animal-men. The animal-men have found the spell and have decided that they want to stay human. The spell is already starting to wear off; the Rabbit's hands are starting to turn into paws. They menace the three girls and Brooke shows them the flyer for P3. Andrea has the class roster and knows where Phoebe lives. The Snake sees that Tessa is a possible problem and grabs hold of her.

Phoebe and Piper look for cards. They tease each other as they read several cards. Phoebe spots the Bewitched book and realizes that the three girls in her class have possibly cast her spell. She leaves, looking for Prue, as Piper checks out a few more cards. In the next aisle, Leo is also looking for a card.

Piper enters P3, which is not yet open, and finds no one; but she does find a path marked by rose petals. It leads to a curtained booth where Dan is waiting. He has bought a bottle of "Piper Red Label" wine. Piper tries to hide the card she is carrying, but Dan spots it. Piper hands the card over, and it says, "To a dear friend on Valentine's Day". Dan suspects that the card is for Leo. Dan feels somewhat jealous, and Piper decides she'd rather work.

The Rabbit breaks the door at the manor. Andrea and Brooke want to leave; on the way to the manor the animal-men beat up a pedestrian and played chicken through traffic. The Snake is starting to molt and the Pig's hands are turning into hooves. Andrea and Brooke now realize they're in over their heads. The Snake bites Andrea and Brooke. This makes Pig Man feels squeamish, and the Snake and the Rabbit grab him and snap his neck. They have four hours before they turn into animals again--which is also how long Andrea and Brooke have to live.

Phoebe and Prue go to the three girls' room, where they briefly meet Ethan. They hear a scream from a closet, and inside they find Tessa bound, gagged, and in a small cage. Tessa tells the two sisters what she and her friends had done. Phoebe looks for some hydrogen peroxide for Tessa's wounds; she opens a cupboard, and the Pig's corpse falls out; his nose has turned into a snout. Tessa tells the sisters that the others want to stay human and are looking for Phoebe at P3.

The animal-men kill a guy and steal his car. They dump Brooke and Andrea into the trunk and drive off.

At P3, Piper is talking with Prue and Phoebe about the animal-men on the phone. Ethan looks for Phoebe, who has not arrived. Leo offers to help, but Piper doesn't want Leo to risk getting hurt. Dan arrives and Piper tells him she's "running late." The animal-men arrive looking for Phoebe. Prue, Phoebe and Tessa show up minutes later; Prue and Phoebe ask Leo to watch Tessa. The three sisters move into the curtained booth to cast a spell to turn the animal-men back into animals. Darryl appears and tells them of a string of violent crimes from the campus to P3. Tessa says Andrea and Brooke aren't around, and then she spots the animal-men. Darryl tries to confront the two, but Prue astral-projects and urges him not to. Just in time, Phoebe completes the spell and casts it. Prue returns to her body; she realizes they have to keep the animal-men human until they can find Andrea and Brooke. Phoebe discovers she has turned everyone into animals.

The sisters find the Snake and the Rabbit back in animal form and load them into crates. Piper freezes the room and leaves the room with Prue, each carrying a crate, while Phoebe tries to reverse the spell. Piper and Prue find the stolen car with Brooke and Andrea inside. Phoebe reverses the spell, but unfortunately the Snake and the Rabbit are now permanently human. They attack the two sisters, and Piper freezes them while the police arrive. The two debate whether or not to kill them, but decide to let them be human and face human consequences: they go to jail for their crimes.

Phoebe spends the rest of the evening with Ethan, and he finds a feather in her hair.

Piper gets ready to head out with Dan when finds a card from Leo in her purse. She dreams about running out to kiss him, then heads for the door.

Featured Music

 * "Nothing I Would Change" by Janice Robinson
 * "Finally Taking Over" by Janice Robinson
 * "Search For Love" by Janice Robinson
 * "I Promise You" by Judith Owen

Glitches

 * When Prue and Phoebe enter the college students room, Prue mentions that Phoebe was born in the back seat of a car. Although, in Is There a Woogy in the House?, Prue mentioned that Phoebe was born in the Manor. Although some fans believe that Prue was talking about when she was conceived, although it would still be wrong anyways since it was proven in Forever Charmed that Phoebe was conceived in the Manor as that Piper time traveled back into the past and saw her parents conceiving Phoebe.
 * When the ani-men were in P3 and darryl was trying to stop them prue astral projects in and out with a crowd full of people, isn't she worried about exposure.
 * When the ani-men are at the manor and the human pig peels the skin off the back of the neck of the human snake, the piece of skin he peels off is much bigger than the piece he holds in his hand afterwards.
 * When the human animals and the 3 girls are in the dorm room they said that they had 12 hours before they turned back to animals. When they got to the manor they said they had 4 hours left. That would mean that 8 hours went by.
 * When the ani-men break into the manor they break the window in the door in a different place than when Prue and Tessa see it later.
 * When the animals break into the Halliwell house, it's light outside, but the snake says there's 4 hours until they turn back into animals, and 4 hours till the girls die. They turn back into animals at midnight, so that would make it eight, so it should be dark.

Quotes

 * Andrea, Tessa, Brooke: "From strike of twelve count twenty-four, that's how long the spell is for, turn these gifts into a mate, and then my lonely heart abate."
 * (Nothing happens.)
 * Tessa: Okay, that was fun. Can I go now?
 * Andrea: Wait, didn't Phoebe say some of the words were wrong?
 * Brooke: Why don't you call her?
 * Andrea: I don't have to. The power of technology. (She gets her tape recorder and plays it.)
 * Phoebe's voice: No dates required. (Andrea rewinds the tape.) From strike of twelve count twenty-four, that's how long the spell is for, if to abate my lonely heart, enchant these gifts I thee impart.
 * (A bright light and smoke fill the room. Then the animals turn into three naked men.)

:Piper: How's it feel to be footloose and office free?
 * Prue: Amazing. You know what I'm gonna do today?
 * Piper: What?
 * Prue: Absolutely nothing.
 * Piper: Really? Really, Prue? Nothing entails physically doing nothing, thinking about nothing and worrying about nothing, as suppose to your sister here who's so in the middle of something.
 * Prue: Okay, sweetie, what is wrong?
 * Piper: Well, for starters there is tomorrow. (Prue doesn't know what she's talking about.) Valentines Day.
 * Prue: Wow, I completely forgot. See? I'm doing nothing already.

:( In P3. Prue walks in. Piper's wrapping Dan's present.)
 * Prue: Oh, we so have to cancel your Martha Stewart subscription. (She sits down.)
 * Piper: When I start making flower boxes out of milk cartons, then you can shoot me.
 * Prue: So, um, do you need help with anything?
 * Piper: What happened to doing nothing?
 * Prue: I'm finished.
 * Piper: You can't finish doing nothing.
 * Prue: So then how do you know when you're done?

:Prue: Any sign of him?
 * Piper: Well, I've been watching that one who came in looking for Phoebe but he doesn't seem so creepy. (They look at Ethan.)
 * Prue: Yeah, the only magic Phoebe wants to work on him is personal. That's her date.
 * Piper: Oh. Why do we seem to have a habit of gathering our men at the scene of the supernatural smack down?
 * Phoebe: It's part of our charm. (Morris arrives.)
 * Darryl: Hey, ladies.
 * Piper: Hey, Darryl. Please tell me you're here for a nice romantic evening with your wife.
 * Darryl: No, that'd be what I'm late for.
 * Piper: Join the club.

:Prue: Why do I have to carry the poisonous snake?
 * Piper: Because you're the oldest.
 * Prue: So?
 * Piper: So you've lived a full life.
 * Prue: Wait, you think that's the car over there?
 * Piper: What, you want me to ask him? (She shakes the box)
 * Prue:You know what? You're a smart ass.